Column: Information Station

October 2008

“Where’s your father?’

That was the question I dreaded most when I was growing up. Since the divorce rate was much lower then, kids I knew had daddies who lived at home. They were farmers or bakers or storekeepers who read the newspaper after dinner and mowed the lawn on Saturday. My daddy, however, was missing. If they did ask, I dismissed the subject as quickly as possible. “He’s in the hospital,” and hoped they thought he’d had an operation.

If I had to admit the truth, I was humiliated. “He’s in a mental hospital,” I’d say. ” Each time, I also felt terribly guilty that I was ashamed of my father and also because I thought that his illness was—at least in part—my fault. For an adult had told me that Daddy couldn’t face problems, so he gave up. I thought I must be one of those problems. If he really loved me and if I had been a good enough girl, no matter how hard it was, he would have chosen to stay home.

In midlife, I learned that he didn’t have a choice. The schizophrenia that seized him was an illness over which he had no control. What I suffered from was a major case of false guilt. That is, I blamed myself for something that wasn’t my fault.

Many who have been abandoned do the same thing. Mama and daddy’s divorce must be my fault. My husband’s infidelities must be my fault. The refrain beats in our heads: My fault. My fault.

Since false guilt comes from a wrongly taught conscience, a disorder present in many who have been abandoned, we need a strategy to unmask and slam the door on it. The first thing I did was to pinpoint the specific commandment or principle I had broken. If there was one, I prayed for forgiveness and restoration according to God’s promise. “If we confess our sins to God, he will keep his promises and do what is right. He will forgive us our sins and purify us from all wrongdoing” (1 John 1:9 Good News Bible).

If I had not broken one of God’s commandments or New Testament principles for living, I chose to believe that I was suffering from false guilt. In that case, I claimed Christ’s victory over those thoughts and feelings. I also asked the Holy Spirit to transform me inwardly by a complete change of my mind. (Romans 12:2b)

Sometimes false guilt returned. When that happened, I called it by name, didn’t beat myself up but chose to live constructively. Gradually, the thoughts and feelings subsided.

My battle to rid myself of false guilt was long and hard. Yours may be, too. If you find yourself confused and discouraged, find a mature Christian who will help you separate truth from error and walk with you through the miasma.

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